r4l
Mic Tester
Posts: 1
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Post by r4l on Jul 21, 2008 10:47:27 GMT -5
I have new inspiration...
A Miserable Peasant
Shrouded in pain In agony again Too weak to hold on Too stubborn to give in I yearn for something more Something I do not know Living life on the edge How far can I go?
Look deep in my eyes And see a world of hate I am a peasant of society, a miserable mistake
I have nothing to my name I can finally see I'm so lost, the world has forgotten me
You can pursuit happiness Like a predator chases prey A hopeless tomorrow The end of all days Work your [censored] off Get nothing in return We'll never see the break The world will never learn
Look deep in my eyes And see a world of pain I am the lowest of low, living in vain
I can never win This life is never fair I'm destined to live a life of despair
My words fall on deaf ears I feel so f*cking sick I can't keep on going I'm going to give in...
I'm going to give in...
I don't care if you think it's emo. Discuss.
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Post by canped on Jul 21, 2008 12:30:39 GMT -5
Better than most self-indulgent, defeatist, meaningless, yes emo lyrics that seem to flood the rock/metal market these days. That's not saying much but you might appeal more to the emo kids than to me. its a good effort, anyway.
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Post by hzac on Jul 21, 2008 17:56:40 GMT -5
I lold at the emoness. Were is the wordplay and metaphors? Try to be more creative with your wording,
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r4l
Mic Tester
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Post by r4l on Jul 21, 2008 21:24:29 GMT -5
I lold at the emoness. Were is the wordplay and metaphors? Try to be more creative with your wording, Well I did have some metaphors in there, but it sounded like rap so I changed it up a bit. I've never really written a song completely, and this isn't a great attempt, but I was in such a mood, so I wrote it. EDIT: Also, if you need to know the inspiration behind it, it's about my mother and when she was younger. We both went through some hard times.
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Post by flipsk8r1409 on Jul 21, 2008 21:34:36 GMT -5
yeah ok im with hzac songs are supposed to have some meaning to them or at least some inspiration and that calls for metaphors and similar literary elements like hyperbole and the like you could even do well to fit some irony in there
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r4l
Mic Tester
Posts: 1
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Post by r4l on Jul 21, 2008 21:38:53 GMT -5
yeah ok im with hzac songs are supposed to have some meaning to them or at least some inspiration and that calls for metaphors and similar literary elements like hyperbole and the like you could even do well to fit some irony in there The irony is there: Work your [censored] off, get nothing in return. I'll have to work on it some more. Thanks for the suggestions so far.
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Post by canped on Jul 22, 2008 4:48:04 GMT -5
Suggestions?!
Put some metaphors and irony and [censored] in there- that's a SUGGESTION?
If you're happy with it, it's done. If you're not, it isn't but its up to you to decide what it needs, not them. There's no rules or guidelines in lyric writing.
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r4l
Mic Tester
Posts: 1
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Post by r4l on Jul 22, 2008 5:31:31 GMT -5
Suggestions?! Put some metaphors and irony and fecal matter in there- that's a SUGGESTION? If you're happy with it, it's done. If you're not, it isn't but its up to you to decide what it needs, not them. There's no rules or guidelines in lyric writing. I'm not saying that. I said suggestions because that's what they are. You just said it's up to me to decide, therefore they are all suggestions. I was just looking for some suggestions to change it up a bit in the first place.
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Post by canped on Jul 22, 2008 6:56:16 GMT -5
In that case, I think it's time for some advice. There's a Japanese philosophical principle I always think of when writing lyrics, but I can't remember the name of it. Its the essence or soul of the creative work itself; basically (and I mean very basically), if a line is meant to sound angry, you fulfill that to the highest possible degree, if sad, you make it the most perfectly sad line it could possibly be and so on. It is in the soul of the piece- decidew what your words want to say and do everything in your power to make them say it as much as possible.
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r4l
Mic Tester
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Post by r4l on Jul 22, 2008 7:21:01 GMT -5
That's kind of what I did, except it's kind of spread out throughout the song. Some parts are like that though, for instance:
I'm so lost, the world has forgotten me
I am the lowest of low, living in vain
Also, they give some meaning:
I'm so lost, the world has forgotten me: No one to turn to for help.
I am the lowest of low, living in vain: No self esteem or self-reassurance or hope.
I'm destined to live a life of despair: Again, giving the feeling that there is no hope.
I definitely get what you're saying about the Japanese thing though. I'll have to play around with that.
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Post by canped on Jul 22, 2008 8:22:06 GMT -5
A guy called Rachmiel wrote a great article about it in Computer Music if you can find it...
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