Post by vizharan on Apr 24, 2008 0:45:38 GMT -5
This is some crazy story that my friend wrote last year. It's quite strange, but hilarious.
The Viking Warrior
The Viking Warrior leapt off the burning horse. Of course he had no idea how his horse came to be on fire. One moment it was fine, the next, whoosh! A ball of fire. The warrior looked around for an enemy that might have done this. He saw no one. He looked back at the horse and saw that it was still alive, but completely engulfed in flames. Upon closer inspection, he saw that the horse did not seem to be bothered by the fire, but then he realized that he was mistaken, and the horse was burnt and dead.
He decided to continue his journey on foot but realized that he had no feet because the author had a sick sense of humor, and so he crawled on his hands. Suddenly, he fell into a dark pit and broke his olecranon process. Even through the pain, he began to feel fine. The pit filled with light and he found himself a meadow at the edge of a misty forest. He looked down at his arm and saw that it hadn’t mutated into a tentacle not unlike that of an anti-octopus, but that it hadn’t not mutated into a tentacle not unlike that of an octopus. Then he was stabbed from behind by a scruffy old man with a lance. Through his agony, the Viking warrior pulled out his axe and countered the scruffy old man’s attack. Because axes can best lances, the battle was easily won. As the scruffy old man expired, he uttered his final words, “I smell of old cheese and can get gasoline at 10 cents per gallon.”
The Viking warrior sorely regretted killing the old man. Now where was he supposed to go to get gas so cheap? As he pondered his question, a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant fell out of the sky. The warrior decided he was hungry so he went in. As he entered, he saw a shocking site. It was the scruffy old man, and he was alive. As he questioned the scruffy old man, he discovered that he was the evil twin of the scruffy old man that he killed previously in paragraph two. However, this scruffy old man was very nice to the Viking warrior. He told the warrior where to get cheap gas. The warrior thanked the scruffy old man and finished his chicken, before setting out in search of inexpensive gasoline.
As the warrior exited the restaurant, he could either choose to flip to page 46 and stay in the meadow, or flip to page 61 and enter the forest. He went to page 61 and got strangled by the vines of a demonic tree. Luckily, he held his last page with his finger and instead went to page 46 and the meadow. It was there that he finally found the gasoline pumping facility that the evil scruffy old man had talked about. He then came to know why the scruffy old man in the last paragraph was the more evil of the two. The gas here was sold at $2.99 per gallon just like everywhere else. At this point, the author decided to give the Viking warrior the legs of a weasel and the Viking warrior was eternally grateful. The Viking warrior was so angry that he sprinted back to the Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant and slaughtered the scruffy old man with a Wolf Biel. As the warrior left the restaurant for the second time, he wondered what a Wolf Biel was.
As the Viking warrior queried about Wolf Biels he came upon a flask. His obvious exits were north, south, and Dennis. He decided to take the flask but could not so he continued north. Just then, the warrior discovered a generic Wal-mart candy bar, a delicious but cheap imitation of the real thing. The warrior was tempted to sit down and eat it, but he knew it would make him fat. Under such predicaments, the author was forced to make the decision for him and eat the bar of candy which in turn caused him to explode. Fortunately for the author, there were typewriters in the afterlife and so he continued his story.
Then, suddenly, the Viking warrior came upon Koopa’s Castle, the object of his quest. As the Viking warrior approached the castle, he tripped on a cow femur, fell into the lava moat, and incinerated instantly. Fortunately, he had two extra lives, so he continued into the castle. As he approached King Koopa, The castle portcullis slammed shut behind him and he began to fight Koopa in a battle to the death. “You’ll never rescue the princess”, Koopa taunted as he breathed fire at the Viking warrior. Unbeknownst to Koopa, the Viking warrior was not intending to save the princess, but to steal King Koopa’s magical jelly beans and eat them in order to obtain complete control over time and thus the world. “Your fighting style doesn’t unsuggest that you aren’t not skilled”, coughed Koopa. The battle seemed to be in a dead heat. Neither fighter let up on their skill, nor could best the other. As the fight began to grow even more intense, the Viking warrior shut off his Nintendo and continued his quest through the meadow.
After many seconds of travel, the warrior came upon a large purple dinosaur. It spoke, “I love you! Let’s be friends”, but the Viking warrior was not tricked by this deceitful behavior. He brandished his blade at the monstrosity who in turn bore its fangs at him saying, “You’re my best friend. Do you want to play?” The beast rushed forward and attempted to slice the warrior with its poisonous claws. The warrior dodged this attempt on his life and decapitated the beast with a single slash of his blade. As he walked away, the warrior could still faintly hear the head of the beast singing its evil tainted song. “I love you. You love me. We’re a hap-py fam-i-ly.” The warrior could not bear the evil any longer, and so he hopped on one foot and whistled Mary Had a Little Lamb while eating cheesecake until he could no longer hear the dinosaurs’ song. Unfortunately in the process of doing this, the warrior’s foot entered the passage of a gopher hole which caused him to trip and break every bone and pull every muscle in his body.
Now unable to actively move, the Viking Warrior relied on the force of gravity to drag his rubbery meat sack/body down the slope of a hill and continue on his quest. With gravity being in his favor, the warrior oozed uncontrollably down the slope of the hill. As he reached the bottom of the hill, he came upon Jaba the Hut. Jaba felt sorry for the Viking Warrior, and so he used his amazing cerebral powers to relocate every bone and re-grow every muscle in the warrior’s body, until he was completely healed. The warrior thanked Jaba the Hut and offered him a single rotten grape as penance. Jaba gladly accepted the grape, ate it immediately, and exploded into an acidic cloud. The Viking Warrior decided to continue immediately and not bury what remained of Jaba the Hut, even though he knew there might be serious consequences.
With his newly healed body, the warrior could move his legs, and so continued walking. After 1,200,000,000,000 nanoseconds, the warrior felt an odd feeling in his bowels. Knowing this could only mean one thing, the warrior headed as fast as he could to the nearest restroom facility. Upon entering the nearest restroom facility, he encountered no less than 100 oompa loompas in a mosh pit. Luckily, the warrior was able to fight his way through the oompa loompas to the bowl-shaped porcelain fixture in the corner and excreted the parasitic centipede that lived in his colon. Feeling much better, the warrior left the restroom facility and continued his journey. Over time, the warrior grew tired and lay down to go to sleep. As he slept, flying monkeys surrounded him and shoved bananas in his ears, impairing his hearing. When the warrior awoke, he did not notice the bananas and so continued his quest.
After many, many moments, the warrior came upon a great desert that seemed to stretch for several yards. As the warrior entered the desert, he encountered a 3 ft. tall frog that stood up on its back feet. The frog asked the Viking Warrior if he had a spare toupee, but the warrior could not hear the frog because of the bananas in his ears. And so, not wanting to do anything rash, the warrior pulled out his super soaker 5000X and blasted the frog to kingdom come. Because of this grave mistake, hundreds of zombies emerged from the ground and began squirting Concord brand grape jelly at the warrior in an attempt to give him a craving for elk’s meat. Unfortunately for the zombies, the warrior evaded this attack by digging fleeing for his life in a potato-mobile.
The sun began to rise in the southern sky, and the warrior found this strange because the sun rises in the east. As the warrior pondered what the hell the author was thinking, a rabid wolf with five legs and an average of 2.74 eyes leapt on his back and began to massage his shoulders. The warrior screamed bloody murder because he knew that it was the only way to rid himself of the wolf. Sure enough, the wolf could not stand the intensity of the scream and liquefied instantly. The warrior was thirsty after such a hard scream and so he drank the liquid, which turned his skin color a bight shade of pink. The warrior didn’t mind though, because pink was his favorite color. In fact, the warrior was so pleased with his new skin that he jumped for joy and hit his head on the ceiling.
Half an hour later, Jebohdiah awoke with his head in pain. “Jebohdiah, are you all right?” asked his mother. “Yes”, Jebohdiah belched, “I was just playing Viking Warrior in my room.” “Well I think you’ve been playing Viking Warrior much too long”, squealed his mother, “Come on, it’s time for bed. Pick up your toys.” “Okay-dokay-smokay”, expelled Jebohdiah, whose name had suddenly been changed to “Timmy” for reasons unknown. As Timmy put away his toys, he rubbed his head and it occurred to him that the ultimate answer to life was 42. “By the way”, expressed Timmy’s mother, “I’ll be back later to murder you in your sleep, ok?” “Fo shizzle!” barfed Timmy, “Good night you useless piece of human trash whose only purpose in life is to suck up the resources of the earth and leave it a dry useless wasteland not fit for any form of life.” “Why, thank you”, ejected Timmy’s mother, “Good night then.” And with that, Timmy went to sleep and dreamt of insanely happy things.
Fortunately for Timmy, the author decided that the story was not to end in such a fashion, and so instead of being murdered in his sleep, it was Timmy’s destiny to morph into the real Viking Warrior. The author levitated Timmy, still asleep, with the purpose of flinging him out his window and into an alternate universe via a wormhole; but with a not so unintentional miscalculation, the author missed the window and flung Timmy into a wall where he splattered into a mess of crazy glue. The crazy glue was later donated to the Human Fund where it was used for hours of enjoyment. In such a predicament, the author decided to screw all coherency, and start at a fresh random spot.
The Viking Warrior was quite confused by now. He now realized that he should have never mixed toilet paper and explosives. With his lesson learned, the Viking Warrior, now accompanied by his new companion, Mr. Wiggles, continued on his journey through the meadow. Then, the Viking Warrior saw a strange object in the distance. As he approached the object, he came to realized that the object was the mythical quadforce, which could grant him half a wish. The quadforce was made up of the forces of food, sleep, sex, and television, which hold the universe together. As the warrior approached the quadforce, Mr. Wiggles ran ahead and grabbed it first. Holding the power above his head, Mr. Wiggles was given the power he most wanted. In a puff of smoke, Mr. Wiggles was transformed into a cheeseburger, which was promptly eaten by the warrior. Then, a bright light broke out from the heavens and a deep voice spoke out to the warrior. “HEY! IS THIS THING ON? TESTING TESTING 1, 2, 3! Ahem! What is it that you most desire oh warrior?” The warrior thought and thought and decided on a wish. The voice croaked, “Blasphemy! Heathen! Goat Nipples! What do you think I am, a pimp?” “God knows what part of the quadforce you would have got.” The warrior was disappointed in his wish not being able to be granted and so he mounted on his burnt dead horse that had suddenly reappeared from page 1 and he rode off into the sunset; and by that I mean he sat on it until it got dark; and by that I mean he (insert verb)ed the dead horse. The horse then reported the warrior to the authorities where he was arrested and put into jail for (insert verb)ing a dead horse.
After the warrior got out of jail, he decided to persist with his majestic quest through the meadow. As he reached the meadow, the warrior saw a bush on fire. As he approached the Bush, it spoke, “Do you know what you must do?” The warrior did not know and so he asked what the Bush meant. “You must vote for me in the upcoming election so that I can burn your taxpayer money in the fires of Iraq, and also because I almost choked to death on a pretzel.” The warrior knew this was true and could not argue with the burning Bush. “But if you must vote for someone else”, the Bush continued, “Vote for Rat Bastard a.k.a. Kerry so that he can lie until your cat catches on fire and the country is as problem free as a fire-monkey in a piñata.” The warrior wasn’t paying attention to the Bush as he had fled moments before to avoid being trampled to death by a mob of Yugi-oh fans running to the store to buy some crap/Yugi-oh cards. Suddenly, the author was attacked by the mob. They carried anointed flails and were twirling them viciously. One of them thrust violently at the author and hit for 2 damage. The author retaliated by gnawing on the leader of the mob and hitting for 6 damage. The author then chose to flee and continue writing his story. As the warrior tried to catch his breath, he began to lose consciousness due to lack of food. The last thing the warrior saw before he passed out was a penguin standing over him eating a piece of beef jerky.
The warrior awoke with his head in a daze. He looked around and saw that he was in a meat factory. Suddenly, a gigantic mutagenic raw ham attempted to end his life. Lucky, the warrior was saved at the last second by intergalactic space bounty hunter, Samus Aran, who was armed with super missiles and a food processor. The ham was instantly vaporized, packed, and shipped to the nearest Salvation Army to feed deadbeats during Christmas. The warrior tried to thank Aran but could not as she had just been crushed under the foot of a giant panda. The panda had apparently been sent by Zelgadis, the Viking Warrior’s utter enemy. The panda turned its attention to the warrior and tried to stab him with a sharp spoon. The warrior parried and countered the panda’s attack with a shotgun. The panda, though completely unharmed, fell over dead. The warrior knew he had little time to find Zelgadis and end his evil ways.
The warrior searched and searched for Zelgadis. Finally, the warrior came upon Zelgadis’ castle. Just as the warrior was about to enter the castle and end the fiend’s rein of evil once and for all, he lost his train of thought and wandered off into a mineshaft filled to the brim with mentally retarded apothecaries. They all cried in unison “Vote for Bush like we did!” The warrior did not hang around to be brainwashed into voting for Bush like they did, and so he flew away on his pterodactyl. As the warrior was flying, he encountered a pirate riding on a flying shark…that was on fire! The pirate was like, “Yeah right! I’ll never give the treasure to you.” The warrior didn’t know what the pirate was talking about and quickly knocked him over the head with his sword. The pirate then mutated into an undead berserker and started spinning at the speed of smell until he was no less than a bowl of sherbet ice cream. The undead berserking sherbet began to squirt an aqueous solution of 1-alpha-dextroglucopyranosyl-2-beta-levofructofuranoside at the warrior who sucked it up with a straw and spewed it back with incredible force. The frozen undead dessert could not withstand this attack and perished instantly. The sherbet, humbled and defeated, melted into a puddle, giving the warrior reason to celebrate. The warrior stood atop the puddle in a victory stance and simultaneously was struck by lightning, crushed into the ground with a meteor, fell into a sinkhole, and won the lottery. The warrior sustained his life but was severely injured.
After recovering, the warrior decided to take a break at the nearest Starbucks for some overpriced coffee. As he entered the so-called Starbucks, he came upon several mechanical seagulls playing a game of strip poker. The gulls eyed him lustfully and the warrior was compelled to leave as soon as possible. However, the mechanical birds blocked the exit and pulled out a large quantity of boomerangs of varying sizes and colors with the intent of doing the warrior harm. The warrior would not have this and so he ripped out his own intestines and strangled the birds to death with them. The warrior was glad he had brought with him a spare intestine that he had purchased earlier from the black market, but being deprived of his last spare intestine, the warrior decided he needed to replenish his supply for the journey ahead, the warrior then traveled towards the headquarters of the black market, Wal-Mart.
The first step to get to Wal-Mart was to pass the Valley of Doom. As the warrior entered the Valley of Doom, he spied a cow of Doom grazing on some Grass of Doom. The warrior was thirsty and so he milked the cow and put the Milk of Doom in his spare bottle. Suddenly, a vicious [censored]-clown of Doom with red eyes and an inclination to eat stale bagel dough fell out of the sky and began to club the warrior with a walrus carcass. The warrior decided his best move would be to thrust his arm down the clown’s throat, push his hand out through the anus, and rip the clown inside out as he pulled his arm back, which was what he did. The Clown of Doom died instantly and was swiftly folded and put into a warehouse for long-term storage.
As the warrior continued on his way to Wal-Mart, he discovered an abandoned house. After entering the house, the warrior heard a tapping on the chamber door. The warrior opened the door allowing a flamingo to fly in and perch atop the chamber door on a bust of Michael Jackson. The warrior found the flamingo very curious and asked the bird if it would help him with his Chemistry homework. Quoth the flamingo, “Nevermore…[censored].” The warrior found it odd that the flamingo could talk but it was not quite as odd as the fact that someone would make a bust of Michael Jackson. The flamingo offered the warrior a cigarette which in turn caused the warrior to shriek like a spider monkey and self destruct. To great advantage, the warrior had backup data of himself and rebooted. To great disadvantage, the warrior spawned in an unfamiliar location. In this new location the warrior ventured to find a bronze coconut containing a mildew coated peanut. This of course, the warrior found instantly, but alas, it was a trap set by the nefarious Necromancer known only as Gilbert. Gilbert sent hoards of gravy stained floor mats to do battle with the warrior under the pretext that the warrior was wearing maroon cufflinks. At that very moment, the warrior equipped his Buster+18 and swung 3 consecutive blows at the swarming mats demolishing their ranks similar to haw a magician would pull a tiger out of his ear, using tongs that he found under a crate on the floor in the mall with action level at medium and riddle level at hard. This shattered the Necromancer’s ego so much that he committed himself to a mental institution for anorexia and bipolarism. The warrior then rode off on his silver-plated go-cart to parts unknown.
Upon entering parts unknown, the Viking warrior discovered a lone chicken. For miles and miles all that could be seen was the one foul. The warrior kicked it which unleashed the secret hoard of chicken assassins upon him. They pecked and flapped and stabbed at him with sharp pens. The troupe of feathered fiends began to encircle the warrior and tap dance. They had tap shoes, top hats, and bow ties all in matching shades of neon yellow, which infuriated the warrior so much that he force-fed the chickens canned spinach until they metamorphosized into ten foot cyborgs. At this, the warrior pulled out his guitar and jammed. The chicken cyborg turned 360 degrees before oozing rancid pus out of its bronchial tubes and dying of SARS. Not only did this induce happiness in the warrior, he had become ecstatic. Fortunately for the reader, the warrior in his ecstasy failed to see the single breasted cross-dressing orangutan that was rampaging down parts unknown with the conscious effort of annihilating the warrior with a lead pipe, which it did. All that was left after the attack was a baseball bat, a spool of yarn, a chess bishop, an old smoke pipe, a piece of popcorn, a 9-iron, an Ark of the Covenant, a cat-o-nine-tails, a piece of the Quadforce, 59 gold rings, a super mushroom, a jigsaw puzzle, a model Boeing airliner jet, a sword of jello, 29 concubines, an old boot, an Empire State building, an ice cube tray, a half eaten turnip, the rotting corpse of an ostentatious spirited eight-stomached, arthritic, vomit-filled, putrid, congenial, watered-down, sour, pine-fresh, murky, Technicolor, good-for-nothing, poisonous, colossal, 3-D, rigid, smushed, metallic, precise, clawed, spectral, fluffy, polarized, immature, pill-popping, elderly, orphaned, sexy, wrong-footed, flaming, electrical, compound, average, near-sighted, Zip-locked, shivering, striped, swashbuckling, opera-singing, perfumed, black-listed, intelligent, space saving, braided, chunky, Plexiglas, spotted, clear-cut, sticky, divided, rebellious, infantile, gothic, sturdy, overwhelming, angelic, puffy, dank, eye-popping, senile, jaw-dropping, six engined, troublesome, briny, shadowy, murderous, weird, transsexual, incarcerated, hairy, fungus ridden, snot nosed, humble, energetic, surfing, rocket powered, circular, oily, inexperienced, God-like, simple, British, rotatable, loud, demonic, mechanical, ghostly, bird-brained, criminally insane, super powerful, smoky, Broadway, mucus filled, hyper acidic, psychotic, unnatural, plugged-up, complex, moth eaten, festering, inconsiderate, flea-bitten, pampered, independent, trophy-winning, bacon-loving, noisy, freakish, overhanging, luminescent, polka-dotted, hot-headed, long-winded, athletic, itchy, border-lined, pathetic, boring, tree-hugging, democratic, genetic, knitted, ignorant, sub-human, lovely, tasteless, meat-headed, crappy, intolerant, articulate, creative, innovating, delectable, eclectic, historic, witty, overt, dynamic, fluid, hairy, scalene, shapely, satiric, unwilling, heroic, rusty, sophomoric, astute, hysterical, solid, covert, iridescent, glowing, stunning, glossy, stubborn, obstinate, uncompromising, kaki, woven, trans-dimensional, timely, aqueous, mangy, enlarged, wicked, psychological, disgusting, viscous, straight-arrowed, swollen, trained, possessive, technological, exhausted, agitated, aromatic, mainstream, fashionable, eye-catching, dedicated, negatively-charged, dysfunctional, miserable, cow-riding, spiked, panda-shaped, self-contradictory, disagreeable, frustrated, saber-toothed, inaccurate, automated, furious, giddy, professional, isotonic, manila, overbearing, aquatic, listless, mopey, substantial, erratic, turbulent, dusty, battery, operated, velvety, unstable, bulbous, bloated, infectious, explosive, ruffled, frosted, wavy, stagnant, hypotonic, parasitic, charming, superfluous, monstrous, tacky, annoying, astronomical, cumbersome, transparent, greasy, bloodthirsty, rocky, graceful, slick, subtle, otherworldly, short, aggressive, intoxicated, impatient, ravenous, guilty, centered, windy, slushy, plaid, crusty, patronized, love-smitten, sarcastic, speckled, seismic, radio-active, tangible, special, edible, spangled, lethargic, apathetic, inquisitive, susceptible, apprehensive, aggravated, forceful, detachable, deca-horned, harmonious, mountainous, panicked, Japanese, socially-retarded, mentally-gifted, leprosy-stricken, sunglass-wearing, short-haired, cheeky, far-sighted, bittersweet, jugular, radical, repetitive, absent-minded, travel-bound, mud-caked, brackish, empathetic, furry, ferocious, distraught, wandering, turkey-flavored, useless, homely, trashy, inane, round, inebriated, horrific, mutilated, transformed, hideous, mute, fleshy, bloody, identifiable, musical, odd, charitable, hemmed, static, floral, final, unmanageable, famished, rhythmic, funky, fashionably late, absolute, gross, trapezoidal, uncouth, heretical, larger-than-life, spunky, ultra, forgetful, generous, conformist, junior, ballistic, checkered, phenomenal, superficial, transcontinental, Viewtiful, red stapler, and a sweat sock full of Honey Nut Cheerios. As luck would have it, all these objects as well as himself were restored by the author of the story so that the reader might continue to be entertained. The sex-confused orangutan was nowhere to be seen and so the Viking Warrior completed his journey to Wal-Mart. The warrior came upon the automatic doors that were rigged with barbed wire and pressure sensitive wiener dogs to take care of any would be intruders. He cleverly slipped past by speeding up the flow of time until one by one, the wiener dogs began to spew Skittles and Hershey bars out of all their bodily orifices until they fell over unconscious. The barbed wire was taken care of by lobbing a flash grenade at the doors and jumping through during the confusion. The warrior was not very speedy due to the fact that he was morbidly obese and got his left foot ripped off by the automatic door. The warrior hobbled along to the spare foot aisle of Wal-Mart first to get his foot replaced when suddenly, a depraved social worker jumped out from behind a mountain of garbage and began to skewer him with a razor-edged pool cue. The warrior retaliated with an overgrown pickle that he found under one of his numerous layers of fat that hung off his body similarly to how a mime would entertain a porcupine with floppy ears that was going on a vacation to Morocco but lost its ticket during a freak submarine accident while attending a theatrical performance of Little Pet Shop of Horrors. The warrior pickled the social worker to death while balancing a flaming baton on the end of his ingrown toenail and performing the triple Lutz on a half pipe while riding a panda on rollerblades. The warrior acquired his spare foot as well as a spare body organ and finished not only his sub-quest to Wal-Mart, but an extremely long paragraph.
The warrior wandered away from Wal-Mart until he was back in that meadow at the edge of the misty forest, it was there that he encountered the top half of Ecco the Dolphin attached to the end of a large rock. “Eeeeeeee!” Ecco screamed as he spit chicken noodle soup out his hole with 25% more chicken in it than normal. The infuriated the warrior to the point of schizophrenia, and he began to hallucinate about polka-dotted iguanas burrowing into his flesh. The warrior slashed wildly with his sword at the non-existent iguanas until he burst into flame from the friction. The flaming warrior dived down into a manhole to the sewer to douse the flames. This awakened the wrath of the mutant sewer koalas with the heads of U.S. Presidents and tongues as long as Australian pythons. The fecal-drenched marsupials sang a chorus of Ode to Joy while unraveling purple balls of yarn to floss their teeth with. The warrior escaped from the sewer by activating his 5 in 1 phone booth/pager/computer/calculator/jetpack and blasted through the ceiling while making a collect call.
The Viking warrior landed in a mound of discarded fish entrails and GI-Joes. He slipped down the mound which caused him to trip into a swimming pool of spaghetti. Suddenly, the spaghetti strands rose and attempted to strangle the warrior and extinguish his existence. The warrior was helpless to defend himself and sank deeper into the stringy pasta. Only an electronic, beer-stained, bar stool could save him now. Just when it looked like the end, the warrior remembered his extra blue whale that he always carried for emergencies. After extracting the whale from beneath his collar, the enormous mammal opened its maw and gulped the spaghetti down in one electronic, beer-stained motion. The warrior brushed off the spaghetti from his cloak and leapt from the swimming pool with the grace of a mannequin that had been maimed by a paid assassin and left in a dumpster for stray dogs to violently dismember.
The warrior decided he needed a change of pace and so went back to the misty forest. The demonic tree that had appeared previously in paragraph 4 was nowhere to be seen and this disturbed the warrior greatly. The Viking Warrior knew that the absence of the tree forbade great calamity and only one person could be behind its disappearance. Without further ado, the warrior dove headfirst into the ground and began to eat his way to the nearest metro. After falling through a subway ceiling, the warrior was directed to the nearest ticket counter by means of a conveyor belt. Upon sliding to the counter, which was run by vampires pretending to be emo kids, the warrior realized that it would be impossible to ride the tubes to the evil one’s lair because he had just spent 599 US dollars on a new paperweight from Sony. As the warrior’s eyes darted around in search of a vendor selling parfait, for which he had a craving, he noticed a fight club bearing the sign “The Chuck Norris Playground”. The warrior’s financial problems would now be solved and so he strutted into the club with the pompousness of a belly dancing albino hippopotamus. The sunlight burst through the end of the passage, nearly blinding the warrior as he entered an arena reminiscent of the coliseum, except that it was populated with pineapple wielding New Yorkers. A cage was lowered into the arena by a crane operating a crane that had a paper crane decal. Ferocious roars issued from the cage, and the crowd became so excited that they began to roundhouse-kick dead babies into the sun, as was the custom. Suddenly the wind blew the covering from the cage and at the same moment, its occupant broke out of the cage so violently, it was as if the cage had exploded. The warrior gazed upon his opponent who was none other than the Queen of England. The Queen screeched and leapt 50 ft into the air off of all fours, her eyes bulging madly and her tongue flapping wildly around her head as if in search of flies for a snack. However, just as the Queen’s razor sharp fingernails were about to skewer the warrior’s man parts, he wavedashed into a wall tech and L-canceled a neutral air. This set him up for the perfect position to fire his submachine catapultarang, which was capable of firing homing, plasma, shotgun rockets, which he made well use of. The Queen then morphed into her second form, a perfect doppelganger of Jesus Christ. Copy-Jesus then proceeded to go super-saiyen and started to shoot flaming kittens out of his hands. The warrior was prepared to counter this attack and rapidly completed Jordan 100% on expert with only one hand, blowing up Copy-Jesus’ brain. The crowd began to simultaneously cheer and projectile vomit at the warrior’s efforts/greasy chili dogs respectively, and was awarded an inconcievable amount of money as his prize.
The Viking Warrior
The Viking Warrior leapt off the burning horse. Of course he had no idea how his horse came to be on fire. One moment it was fine, the next, whoosh! A ball of fire. The warrior looked around for an enemy that might have done this. He saw no one. He looked back at the horse and saw that it was still alive, but completely engulfed in flames. Upon closer inspection, he saw that the horse did not seem to be bothered by the fire, but then he realized that he was mistaken, and the horse was burnt and dead.
He decided to continue his journey on foot but realized that he had no feet because the author had a sick sense of humor, and so he crawled on his hands. Suddenly, he fell into a dark pit and broke his olecranon process. Even through the pain, he began to feel fine. The pit filled with light and he found himself a meadow at the edge of a misty forest. He looked down at his arm and saw that it hadn’t mutated into a tentacle not unlike that of an anti-octopus, but that it hadn’t not mutated into a tentacle not unlike that of an octopus. Then he was stabbed from behind by a scruffy old man with a lance. Through his agony, the Viking warrior pulled out his axe and countered the scruffy old man’s attack. Because axes can best lances, the battle was easily won. As the scruffy old man expired, he uttered his final words, “I smell of old cheese and can get gasoline at 10 cents per gallon.”
The Viking warrior sorely regretted killing the old man. Now where was he supposed to go to get gas so cheap? As he pondered his question, a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant fell out of the sky. The warrior decided he was hungry so he went in. As he entered, he saw a shocking site. It was the scruffy old man, and he was alive. As he questioned the scruffy old man, he discovered that he was the evil twin of the scruffy old man that he killed previously in paragraph two. However, this scruffy old man was very nice to the Viking warrior. He told the warrior where to get cheap gas. The warrior thanked the scruffy old man and finished his chicken, before setting out in search of inexpensive gasoline.
As the warrior exited the restaurant, he could either choose to flip to page 46 and stay in the meadow, or flip to page 61 and enter the forest. He went to page 61 and got strangled by the vines of a demonic tree. Luckily, he held his last page with his finger and instead went to page 46 and the meadow. It was there that he finally found the gasoline pumping facility that the evil scruffy old man had talked about. He then came to know why the scruffy old man in the last paragraph was the more evil of the two. The gas here was sold at $2.99 per gallon just like everywhere else. At this point, the author decided to give the Viking warrior the legs of a weasel and the Viking warrior was eternally grateful. The Viking warrior was so angry that he sprinted back to the Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant and slaughtered the scruffy old man with a Wolf Biel. As the warrior left the restaurant for the second time, he wondered what a Wolf Biel was.
As the Viking warrior queried about Wolf Biels he came upon a flask. His obvious exits were north, south, and Dennis. He decided to take the flask but could not so he continued north. Just then, the warrior discovered a generic Wal-mart candy bar, a delicious but cheap imitation of the real thing. The warrior was tempted to sit down and eat it, but he knew it would make him fat. Under such predicaments, the author was forced to make the decision for him and eat the bar of candy which in turn caused him to explode. Fortunately for the author, there were typewriters in the afterlife and so he continued his story.
Then, suddenly, the Viking warrior came upon Koopa’s Castle, the object of his quest. As the Viking warrior approached the castle, he tripped on a cow femur, fell into the lava moat, and incinerated instantly. Fortunately, he had two extra lives, so he continued into the castle. As he approached King Koopa, The castle portcullis slammed shut behind him and he began to fight Koopa in a battle to the death. “You’ll never rescue the princess”, Koopa taunted as he breathed fire at the Viking warrior. Unbeknownst to Koopa, the Viking warrior was not intending to save the princess, but to steal King Koopa’s magical jelly beans and eat them in order to obtain complete control over time and thus the world. “Your fighting style doesn’t unsuggest that you aren’t not skilled”, coughed Koopa. The battle seemed to be in a dead heat. Neither fighter let up on their skill, nor could best the other. As the fight began to grow even more intense, the Viking warrior shut off his Nintendo and continued his quest through the meadow.
After many seconds of travel, the warrior came upon a large purple dinosaur. It spoke, “I love you! Let’s be friends”, but the Viking warrior was not tricked by this deceitful behavior. He brandished his blade at the monstrosity who in turn bore its fangs at him saying, “You’re my best friend. Do you want to play?” The beast rushed forward and attempted to slice the warrior with its poisonous claws. The warrior dodged this attempt on his life and decapitated the beast with a single slash of his blade. As he walked away, the warrior could still faintly hear the head of the beast singing its evil tainted song. “I love you. You love me. We’re a hap-py fam-i-ly.” The warrior could not bear the evil any longer, and so he hopped on one foot and whistled Mary Had a Little Lamb while eating cheesecake until he could no longer hear the dinosaurs’ song. Unfortunately in the process of doing this, the warrior’s foot entered the passage of a gopher hole which caused him to trip and break every bone and pull every muscle in his body.
Now unable to actively move, the Viking Warrior relied on the force of gravity to drag his rubbery meat sack/body down the slope of a hill and continue on his quest. With gravity being in his favor, the warrior oozed uncontrollably down the slope of the hill. As he reached the bottom of the hill, he came upon Jaba the Hut. Jaba felt sorry for the Viking Warrior, and so he used his amazing cerebral powers to relocate every bone and re-grow every muscle in the warrior’s body, until he was completely healed. The warrior thanked Jaba the Hut and offered him a single rotten grape as penance. Jaba gladly accepted the grape, ate it immediately, and exploded into an acidic cloud. The Viking Warrior decided to continue immediately and not bury what remained of Jaba the Hut, even though he knew there might be serious consequences.
With his newly healed body, the warrior could move his legs, and so continued walking. After 1,200,000,000,000 nanoseconds, the warrior felt an odd feeling in his bowels. Knowing this could only mean one thing, the warrior headed as fast as he could to the nearest restroom facility. Upon entering the nearest restroom facility, he encountered no less than 100 oompa loompas in a mosh pit. Luckily, the warrior was able to fight his way through the oompa loompas to the bowl-shaped porcelain fixture in the corner and excreted the parasitic centipede that lived in his colon. Feeling much better, the warrior left the restroom facility and continued his journey. Over time, the warrior grew tired and lay down to go to sleep. As he slept, flying monkeys surrounded him and shoved bananas in his ears, impairing his hearing. When the warrior awoke, he did not notice the bananas and so continued his quest.
After many, many moments, the warrior came upon a great desert that seemed to stretch for several yards. As the warrior entered the desert, he encountered a 3 ft. tall frog that stood up on its back feet. The frog asked the Viking Warrior if he had a spare toupee, but the warrior could not hear the frog because of the bananas in his ears. And so, not wanting to do anything rash, the warrior pulled out his super soaker 5000X and blasted the frog to kingdom come. Because of this grave mistake, hundreds of zombies emerged from the ground and began squirting Concord brand grape jelly at the warrior in an attempt to give him a craving for elk’s meat. Unfortunately for the zombies, the warrior evaded this attack by digging fleeing for his life in a potato-mobile.
The sun began to rise in the southern sky, and the warrior found this strange because the sun rises in the east. As the warrior pondered what the hell the author was thinking, a rabid wolf with five legs and an average of 2.74 eyes leapt on his back and began to massage his shoulders. The warrior screamed bloody murder because he knew that it was the only way to rid himself of the wolf. Sure enough, the wolf could not stand the intensity of the scream and liquefied instantly. The warrior was thirsty after such a hard scream and so he drank the liquid, which turned his skin color a bight shade of pink. The warrior didn’t mind though, because pink was his favorite color. In fact, the warrior was so pleased with his new skin that he jumped for joy and hit his head on the ceiling.
Half an hour later, Jebohdiah awoke with his head in pain. “Jebohdiah, are you all right?” asked his mother. “Yes”, Jebohdiah belched, “I was just playing Viking Warrior in my room.” “Well I think you’ve been playing Viking Warrior much too long”, squealed his mother, “Come on, it’s time for bed. Pick up your toys.” “Okay-dokay-smokay”, expelled Jebohdiah, whose name had suddenly been changed to “Timmy” for reasons unknown. As Timmy put away his toys, he rubbed his head and it occurred to him that the ultimate answer to life was 42. “By the way”, expressed Timmy’s mother, “I’ll be back later to murder you in your sleep, ok?” “Fo shizzle!” barfed Timmy, “Good night you useless piece of human trash whose only purpose in life is to suck up the resources of the earth and leave it a dry useless wasteland not fit for any form of life.” “Why, thank you”, ejected Timmy’s mother, “Good night then.” And with that, Timmy went to sleep and dreamt of insanely happy things.
Fortunately for Timmy, the author decided that the story was not to end in such a fashion, and so instead of being murdered in his sleep, it was Timmy’s destiny to morph into the real Viking Warrior. The author levitated Timmy, still asleep, with the purpose of flinging him out his window and into an alternate universe via a wormhole; but with a not so unintentional miscalculation, the author missed the window and flung Timmy into a wall where he splattered into a mess of crazy glue. The crazy glue was later donated to the Human Fund where it was used for hours of enjoyment. In such a predicament, the author decided to screw all coherency, and start at a fresh random spot.
The Viking Warrior was quite confused by now. He now realized that he should have never mixed toilet paper and explosives. With his lesson learned, the Viking Warrior, now accompanied by his new companion, Mr. Wiggles, continued on his journey through the meadow. Then, the Viking Warrior saw a strange object in the distance. As he approached the object, he came to realized that the object was the mythical quadforce, which could grant him half a wish. The quadforce was made up of the forces of food, sleep, sex, and television, which hold the universe together. As the warrior approached the quadforce, Mr. Wiggles ran ahead and grabbed it first. Holding the power above his head, Mr. Wiggles was given the power he most wanted. In a puff of smoke, Mr. Wiggles was transformed into a cheeseburger, which was promptly eaten by the warrior. Then, a bright light broke out from the heavens and a deep voice spoke out to the warrior. “HEY! IS THIS THING ON? TESTING TESTING 1, 2, 3! Ahem! What is it that you most desire oh warrior?” The warrior thought and thought and decided on a wish. The voice croaked, “Blasphemy! Heathen! Goat Nipples! What do you think I am, a pimp?” “God knows what part of the quadforce you would have got.” The warrior was disappointed in his wish not being able to be granted and so he mounted on his burnt dead horse that had suddenly reappeared from page 1 and he rode off into the sunset; and by that I mean he sat on it until it got dark; and by that I mean he (insert verb)ed the dead horse. The horse then reported the warrior to the authorities where he was arrested and put into jail for (insert verb)ing a dead horse.
After the warrior got out of jail, he decided to persist with his majestic quest through the meadow. As he reached the meadow, the warrior saw a bush on fire. As he approached the Bush, it spoke, “Do you know what you must do?” The warrior did not know and so he asked what the Bush meant. “You must vote for me in the upcoming election so that I can burn your taxpayer money in the fires of Iraq, and also because I almost choked to death on a pretzel.” The warrior knew this was true and could not argue with the burning Bush. “But if you must vote for someone else”, the Bush continued, “Vote for Rat Bastard a.k.a. Kerry so that he can lie until your cat catches on fire and the country is as problem free as a fire-monkey in a piñata.” The warrior wasn’t paying attention to the Bush as he had fled moments before to avoid being trampled to death by a mob of Yugi-oh fans running to the store to buy some crap/Yugi-oh cards. Suddenly, the author was attacked by the mob. They carried anointed flails and were twirling them viciously. One of them thrust violently at the author and hit for 2 damage. The author retaliated by gnawing on the leader of the mob and hitting for 6 damage. The author then chose to flee and continue writing his story. As the warrior tried to catch his breath, he began to lose consciousness due to lack of food. The last thing the warrior saw before he passed out was a penguin standing over him eating a piece of beef jerky.
The warrior awoke with his head in a daze. He looked around and saw that he was in a meat factory. Suddenly, a gigantic mutagenic raw ham attempted to end his life. Lucky, the warrior was saved at the last second by intergalactic space bounty hunter, Samus Aran, who was armed with super missiles and a food processor. The ham was instantly vaporized, packed, and shipped to the nearest Salvation Army to feed deadbeats during Christmas. The warrior tried to thank Aran but could not as she had just been crushed under the foot of a giant panda. The panda had apparently been sent by Zelgadis, the Viking Warrior’s utter enemy. The panda turned its attention to the warrior and tried to stab him with a sharp spoon. The warrior parried and countered the panda’s attack with a shotgun. The panda, though completely unharmed, fell over dead. The warrior knew he had little time to find Zelgadis and end his evil ways.
The warrior searched and searched for Zelgadis. Finally, the warrior came upon Zelgadis’ castle. Just as the warrior was about to enter the castle and end the fiend’s rein of evil once and for all, he lost his train of thought and wandered off into a mineshaft filled to the brim with mentally retarded apothecaries. They all cried in unison “Vote for Bush like we did!” The warrior did not hang around to be brainwashed into voting for Bush like they did, and so he flew away on his pterodactyl. As the warrior was flying, he encountered a pirate riding on a flying shark…that was on fire! The pirate was like, “Yeah right! I’ll never give the treasure to you.” The warrior didn’t know what the pirate was talking about and quickly knocked him over the head with his sword. The pirate then mutated into an undead berserker and started spinning at the speed of smell until he was no less than a bowl of sherbet ice cream. The undead berserking sherbet began to squirt an aqueous solution of 1-alpha-dextroglucopyranosyl-2-beta-levofructofuranoside at the warrior who sucked it up with a straw and spewed it back with incredible force. The frozen undead dessert could not withstand this attack and perished instantly. The sherbet, humbled and defeated, melted into a puddle, giving the warrior reason to celebrate. The warrior stood atop the puddle in a victory stance and simultaneously was struck by lightning, crushed into the ground with a meteor, fell into a sinkhole, and won the lottery. The warrior sustained his life but was severely injured.
After recovering, the warrior decided to take a break at the nearest Starbucks for some overpriced coffee. As he entered the so-called Starbucks, he came upon several mechanical seagulls playing a game of strip poker. The gulls eyed him lustfully and the warrior was compelled to leave as soon as possible. However, the mechanical birds blocked the exit and pulled out a large quantity of boomerangs of varying sizes and colors with the intent of doing the warrior harm. The warrior would not have this and so he ripped out his own intestines and strangled the birds to death with them. The warrior was glad he had brought with him a spare intestine that he had purchased earlier from the black market, but being deprived of his last spare intestine, the warrior decided he needed to replenish his supply for the journey ahead, the warrior then traveled towards the headquarters of the black market, Wal-Mart.
The first step to get to Wal-Mart was to pass the Valley of Doom. As the warrior entered the Valley of Doom, he spied a cow of Doom grazing on some Grass of Doom. The warrior was thirsty and so he milked the cow and put the Milk of Doom in his spare bottle. Suddenly, a vicious [censored]-clown of Doom with red eyes and an inclination to eat stale bagel dough fell out of the sky and began to club the warrior with a walrus carcass. The warrior decided his best move would be to thrust his arm down the clown’s throat, push his hand out through the anus, and rip the clown inside out as he pulled his arm back, which was what he did. The Clown of Doom died instantly and was swiftly folded and put into a warehouse for long-term storage.
As the warrior continued on his way to Wal-Mart, he discovered an abandoned house. After entering the house, the warrior heard a tapping on the chamber door. The warrior opened the door allowing a flamingo to fly in and perch atop the chamber door on a bust of Michael Jackson. The warrior found the flamingo very curious and asked the bird if it would help him with his Chemistry homework. Quoth the flamingo, “Nevermore…[censored].” The warrior found it odd that the flamingo could talk but it was not quite as odd as the fact that someone would make a bust of Michael Jackson. The flamingo offered the warrior a cigarette which in turn caused the warrior to shriek like a spider monkey and self destruct. To great advantage, the warrior had backup data of himself and rebooted. To great disadvantage, the warrior spawned in an unfamiliar location. In this new location the warrior ventured to find a bronze coconut containing a mildew coated peanut. This of course, the warrior found instantly, but alas, it was a trap set by the nefarious Necromancer known only as Gilbert. Gilbert sent hoards of gravy stained floor mats to do battle with the warrior under the pretext that the warrior was wearing maroon cufflinks. At that very moment, the warrior equipped his Buster+18 and swung 3 consecutive blows at the swarming mats demolishing their ranks similar to haw a magician would pull a tiger out of his ear, using tongs that he found under a crate on the floor in the mall with action level at medium and riddle level at hard. This shattered the Necromancer’s ego so much that he committed himself to a mental institution for anorexia and bipolarism. The warrior then rode off on his silver-plated go-cart to parts unknown.
Upon entering parts unknown, the Viking warrior discovered a lone chicken. For miles and miles all that could be seen was the one foul. The warrior kicked it which unleashed the secret hoard of chicken assassins upon him. They pecked and flapped and stabbed at him with sharp pens. The troupe of feathered fiends began to encircle the warrior and tap dance. They had tap shoes, top hats, and bow ties all in matching shades of neon yellow, which infuriated the warrior so much that he force-fed the chickens canned spinach until they metamorphosized into ten foot cyborgs. At this, the warrior pulled out his guitar and jammed. The chicken cyborg turned 360 degrees before oozing rancid pus out of its bronchial tubes and dying of SARS. Not only did this induce happiness in the warrior, he had become ecstatic. Fortunately for the reader, the warrior in his ecstasy failed to see the single breasted cross-dressing orangutan that was rampaging down parts unknown with the conscious effort of annihilating the warrior with a lead pipe, which it did. All that was left after the attack was a baseball bat, a spool of yarn, a chess bishop, an old smoke pipe, a piece of popcorn, a 9-iron, an Ark of the Covenant, a cat-o-nine-tails, a piece of the Quadforce, 59 gold rings, a super mushroom, a jigsaw puzzle, a model Boeing airliner jet, a sword of jello, 29 concubines, an old boot, an Empire State building, an ice cube tray, a half eaten turnip, the rotting corpse of an ostentatious spirited eight-stomached, arthritic, vomit-filled, putrid, congenial, watered-down, sour, pine-fresh, murky, Technicolor, good-for-nothing, poisonous, colossal, 3-D, rigid, smushed, metallic, precise, clawed, spectral, fluffy, polarized, immature, pill-popping, elderly, orphaned, sexy, wrong-footed, flaming, electrical, compound, average, near-sighted, Zip-locked, shivering, striped, swashbuckling, opera-singing, perfumed, black-listed, intelligent, space saving, braided, chunky, Plexiglas, spotted, clear-cut, sticky, divided, rebellious, infantile, gothic, sturdy, overwhelming, angelic, puffy, dank, eye-popping, senile, jaw-dropping, six engined, troublesome, briny, shadowy, murderous, weird, transsexual, incarcerated, hairy, fungus ridden, snot nosed, humble, energetic, surfing, rocket powered, circular, oily, inexperienced, God-like, simple, British, rotatable, loud, demonic, mechanical, ghostly, bird-brained, criminally insane, super powerful, smoky, Broadway, mucus filled, hyper acidic, psychotic, unnatural, plugged-up, complex, moth eaten, festering, inconsiderate, flea-bitten, pampered, independent, trophy-winning, bacon-loving, noisy, freakish, overhanging, luminescent, polka-dotted, hot-headed, long-winded, athletic, itchy, border-lined, pathetic, boring, tree-hugging, democratic, genetic, knitted, ignorant, sub-human, lovely, tasteless, meat-headed, crappy, intolerant, articulate, creative, innovating, delectable, eclectic, historic, witty, overt, dynamic, fluid, hairy, scalene, shapely, satiric, unwilling, heroic, rusty, sophomoric, astute, hysterical, solid, covert, iridescent, glowing, stunning, glossy, stubborn, obstinate, uncompromising, kaki, woven, trans-dimensional, timely, aqueous, mangy, enlarged, wicked, psychological, disgusting, viscous, straight-arrowed, swollen, trained, possessive, technological, exhausted, agitated, aromatic, mainstream, fashionable, eye-catching, dedicated, negatively-charged, dysfunctional, miserable, cow-riding, spiked, panda-shaped, self-contradictory, disagreeable, frustrated, saber-toothed, inaccurate, automated, furious, giddy, professional, isotonic, manila, overbearing, aquatic, listless, mopey, substantial, erratic, turbulent, dusty, battery, operated, velvety, unstable, bulbous, bloated, infectious, explosive, ruffled, frosted, wavy, stagnant, hypotonic, parasitic, charming, superfluous, monstrous, tacky, annoying, astronomical, cumbersome, transparent, greasy, bloodthirsty, rocky, graceful, slick, subtle, otherworldly, short, aggressive, intoxicated, impatient, ravenous, guilty, centered, windy, slushy, plaid, crusty, patronized, love-smitten, sarcastic, speckled, seismic, radio-active, tangible, special, edible, spangled, lethargic, apathetic, inquisitive, susceptible, apprehensive, aggravated, forceful, detachable, deca-horned, harmonious, mountainous, panicked, Japanese, socially-retarded, mentally-gifted, leprosy-stricken, sunglass-wearing, short-haired, cheeky, far-sighted, bittersweet, jugular, radical, repetitive, absent-minded, travel-bound, mud-caked, brackish, empathetic, furry, ferocious, distraught, wandering, turkey-flavored, useless, homely, trashy, inane, round, inebriated, horrific, mutilated, transformed, hideous, mute, fleshy, bloody, identifiable, musical, odd, charitable, hemmed, static, floral, final, unmanageable, famished, rhythmic, funky, fashionably late, absolute, gross, trapezoidal, uncouth, heretical, larger-than-life, spunky, ultra, forgetful, generous, conformist, junior, ballistic, checkered, phenomenal, superficial, transcontinental, Viewtiful, red stapler, and a sweat sock full of Honey Nut Cheerios. As luck would have it, all these objects as well as himself were restored by the author of the story so that the reader might continue to be entertained. The sex-confused orangutan was nowhere to be seen and so the Viking Warrior completed his journey to Wal-Mart. The warrior came upon the automatic doors that were rigged with barbed wire and pressure sensitive wiener dogs to take care of any would be intruders. He cleverly slipped past by speeding up the flow of time until one by one, the wiener dogs began to spew Skittles and Hershey bars out of all their bodily orifices until they fell over unconscious. The barbed wire was taken care of by lobbing a flash grenade at the doors and jumping through during the confusion. The warrior was not very speedy due to the fact that he was morbidly obese and got his left foot ripped off by the automatic door. The warrior hobbled along to the spare foot aisle of Wal-Mart first to get his foot replaced when suddenly, a depraved social worker jumped out from behind a mountain of garbage and began to skewer him with a razor-edged pool cue. The warrior retaliated with an overgrown pickle that he found under one of his numerous layers of fat that hung off his body similarly to how a mime would entertain a porcupine with floppy ears that was going on a vacation to Morocco but lost its ticket during a freak submarine accident while attending a theatrical performance of Little Pet Shop of Horrors. The warrior pickled the social worker to death while balancing a flaming baton on the end of his ingrown toenail and performing the triple Lutz on a half pipe while riding a panda on rollerblades. The warrior acquired his spare foot as well as a spare body organ and finished not only his sub-quest to Wal-Mart, but an extremely long paragraph.
The warrior wandered away from Wal-Mart until he was back in that meadow at the edge of the misty forest, it was there that he encountered the top half of Ecco the Dolphin attached to the end of a large rock. “Eeeeeeee!” Ecco screamed as he spit chicken noodle soup out his hole with 25% more chicken in it than normal. The infuriated the warrior to the point of schizophrenia, and he began to hallucinate about polka-dotted iguanas burrowing into his flesh. The warrior slashed wildly with his sword at the non-existent iguanas until he burst into flame from the friction. The flaming warrior dived down into a manhole to the sewer to douse the flames. This awakened the wrath of the mutant sewer koalas with the heads of U.S. Presidents and tongues as long as Australian pythons. The fecal-drenched marsupials sang a chorus of Ode to Joy while unraveling purple balls of yarn to floss their teeth with. The warrior escaped from the sewer by activating his 5 in 1 phone booth/pager/computer/calculator/jetpack and blasted through the ceiling while making a collect call.
The Viking warrior landed in a mound of discarded fish entrails and GI-Joes. He slipped down the mound which caused him to trip into a swimming pool of spaghetti. Suddenly, the spaghetti strands rose and attempted to strangle the warrior and extinguish his existence. The warrior was helpless to defend himself and sank deeper into the stringy pasta. Only an electronic, beer-stained, bar stool could save him now. Just when it looked like the end, the warrior remembered his extra blue whale that he always carried for emergencies. After extracting the whale from beneath his collar, the enormous mammal opened its maw and gulped the spaghetti down in one electronic, beer-stained motion. The warrior brushed off the spaghetti from his cloak and leapt from the swimming pool with the grace of a mannequin that had been maimed by a paid assassin and left in a dumpster for stray dogs to violently dismember.
The warrior decided he needed a change of pace and so went back to the misty forest. The demonic tree that had appeared previously in paragraph 4 was nowhere to be seen and this disturbed the warrior greatly. The Viking Warrior knew that the absence of the tree forbade great calamity and only one person could be behind its disappearance. Without further ado, the warrior dove headfirst into the ground and began to eat his way to the nearest metro. After falling through a subway ceiling, the warrior was directed to the nearest ticket counter by means of a conveyor belt. Upon sliding to the counter, which was run by vampires pretending to be emo kids, the warrior realized that it would be impossible to ride the tubes to the evil one’s lair because he had just spent 599 US dollars on a new paperweight from Sony. As the warrior’s eyes darted around in search of a vendor selling parfait, for which he had a craving, he noticed a fight club bearing the sign “The Chuck Norris Playground”. The warrior’s financial problems would now be solved and so he strutted into the club with the pompousness of a belly dancing albino hippopotamus. The sunlight burst through the end of the passage, nearly blinding the warrior as he entered an arena reminiscent of the coliseum, except that it was populated with pineapple wielding New Yorkers. A cage was lowered into the arena by a crane operating a crane that had a paper crane decal. Ferocious roars issued from the cage, and the crowd became so excited that they began to roundhouse-kick dead babies into the sun, as was the custom. Suddenly the wind blew the covering from the cage and at the same moment, its occupant broke out of the cage so violently, it was as if the cage had exploded. The warrior gazed upon his opponent who was none other than the Queen of England. The Queen screeched and leapt 50 ft into the air off of all fours, her eyes bulging madly and her tongue flapping wildly around her head as if in search of flies for a snack. However, just as the Queen’s razor sharp fingernails were about to skewer the warrior’s man parts, he wavedashed into a wall tech and L-canceled a neutral air. This set him up for the perfect position to fire his submachine catapultarang, which was capable of firing homing, plasma, shotgun rockets, which he made well use of. The Queen then morphed into her second form, a perfect doppelganger of Jesus Christ. Copy-Jesus then proceeded to go super-saiyen and started to shoot flaming kittens out of his hands. The warrior was prepared to counter this attack and rapidly completed Jordan 100% on expert with only one hand, blowing up Copy-Jesus’ brain. The crowd began to simultaneously cheer and projectile vomit at the warrior’s efforts/greasy chili dogs respectively, and was awarded an inconcievable amount of money as his prize.